Bad Jokes Thread

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  stormus 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #1983

    stormus
    Moderator

    Post your funnies here

    #1984

    stormus
    Moderator

    Su Dongpo (a famous Buddhist poet) of the Song Dynasty was assigned to an official post at Guazhuo. Across the river, on its southern shore, was Jinshan (Golden Mountain) Temple where Chan Master Foyin presided. One day, Su Dongpo, feeling quite advanced in his practice, wrote a poem and asked his attendant to send it to Chan Master Foyin for verification. The poem went as following:

    “Bowing with my highest respect
    To the deva of devas
    Whose fine light illuminates the whole universe,
    The eight winds cannot move me,
    For I am sitting upright on the golden purple lotus blossom.”

    After receiving the poem from the attendant and reading it, Chan Master Foyin picked up the brush and wrote down one word as his comment. When the attendant came back with the poem, Su Dongpo, expecting words of praise from the Chan Master, quickly opened it to read the comment. However, on that page, nothing was written except the word “Fart!” (“Pi” in Chinese, which means “utter nonsense”) Upon seeing such an insult, Su Dongpo was ablaze with the fire of anger. Immediately, he boarded a boat and crossed the Yangtze River to argue with Chan Master Foyin.

    Before the boat even pulled onto the shore, Chan Master Foyin was already standing there waiting for Su Dongpo. Upon seeing Foyin, Su Dongpo said, “Chan Master, we are such intimate Dharma friends! It is fine that you do not compliment my practice or my poem. But how can you insult me like this?”

    Innocently, as if nothing had happened, the Chan Master asked, “How have I insulted you?” Without saying another word, Su Dongpo simply showed the word “Fart” to Chan Master Foyin.

    Laughing wholeheartedly, the Chan Master said, “Oh! Didn’t you say that the eight winds cannot move you? How come you are sent across the river with just a fart?!

    Su Dongpo’s anger suddenly drained away as he understood his friend’s meaning. If he really was a man of spiritual refinement, completely unaffected by the eight winds, then how could he be so easily provoked? With a few strokes of the pen and minimal effort, Foyin showed that Su Dongpo was in fact not as spiritually advanced as he claimed to be. Ashamed but wiser, Su Dongpo departed quietly.

    #1992

    stormus
    Moderator

    Koalas are fucking horrible animals.

    They have one of the smallest brain to body ratios of any mammal, additionally – their brains are smooth. A brain is folded to increase the surface area for neurons. If you present a koala with leaves plucked from a branch, laid on a flat surface, the koala will not recognise it as food. They are too thick to adapt their feeding behavior to cope with change. In a room full of potential food, they can literally starve to death.

    This is not the token of an animal that is winning at life. Speaking of stupidity and food, one of the likely reasons for their primitive brains is the fact that additionally to being poisonous, eucalyptus leaves (the only thing they eat) have almost no nutritional value.
    They can’t afford the extra energy to think, they sleep more than 80% of their fucking lives.
    When they are awake all they do is eat, shit and occasionally scream like fucking Satan.

    Because eucalyptus leaves hold such little nutritional value, koalas have to ferment the leaves in their guts for days on end.
    Unlike their brains, they have the largest hind gut to body ratio of any mammal.
    Many herbivorous mammals have adaptations to cope with harsh plant life taking its toll on their teeth, rodents for instance have teeth that never stop growing, some animals only have teeth on their lower jaw, grinding plant matter on bony plates in the tops of their mouths, others have enlarged molars that distribute the wear and break down plant matter more efficiently… Koalas are no exception, when their teeth erode down to nothing, they resolve the situation by starving to death, because they’re fucking terrible animals.

    Being mammals, koalas raise their joeys on milk (admittedly, one of the lowest milk yields to body ratio… There’s a trend here).
    When the young joey needs to transition from rich, nourishing substances like milk, to eucalyptus (a plant that seems to be making it abundantly clear that it doesn’t want to be eaten), it finds it does not have the necessary gut flora to digest the leaves.
    To remedy this, the young joey begins nuzzling its mother’s anus until she leaks a little diarrhea (actually fecal pap, slightly less digested), which he then proceeds to slurp on. This partially digested plant matter gives him just what he needs to start developing his digestive system.
    Of course, he may not even have needed to bother nuzzling his mother. She may have been suffering from incontinence.
    Why? Because koalas are riddled with chlamydia. In some areas the infection rate is 80% or higher.
    This statistic isn’t helped by the fact that one of the few other activities koalas will spend their precious energy on is rape.
    Despite being seasonal breeders, males seem to either not know or care, and will simply overpower a female regardless of whether she is ovulating.
    If she fights back, he may drag them both out of the tree, which brings us full circle back to the brain: Koalas have a higher than average quantity of cerebrospinal fluid in their brains.
    This is to protect their brains from injury… should they fall from a tree. An animal so thick it has its own little built in special ed helmet. I fucking hate them.

    Tldr; Koalas are stupid, leaky, STI riddled sex offenders. But, hey. They look cute. If you ignore the terrifying snake eyes and terrifying feet.

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